Instant Self Esteem Booster: Lone Voyage to Home Depot

I hate going to Home Depot alone. Not because I don’t know where anything is half the time, but because of the men there that know this and wait for me to look confused. Often, they’re not employees; these are rogue operators. They’re the men that loiter around, waiting with their trusty prop in hand… generally something simple but slightly edgy… maybe something they know you’ll easily recognize and still regard as manly like a staple gun, nail gun or other home improvement-related piece of weaponry. They hang around reading product labels, just waiting for the right time to strike.

Ready and waiting

Having encountered this before, I had since decided that this is one store in which a cellphone is most appreciated. Not only can you call and ask a friend for an opinion (today I asked my dad about interior paint), but it’s a good safety zone. I had multiple things to purchase and thought I was ready for the storm. Cellphone in hand, digits dialed. Voicemail. Surely there are more people to dial… but I’ve unknowingly already entered the Depot suitor’s sights.

It begins innocently enough, “Painting?”

“That I am.”

“What are you painting?”

“Just one room.” Not gonna start a convo about my bedroom, mind you. Walking walking walking.

“Have you painted before?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I just started painting about 2 years ago. Ya gonna paint the ceiling, too?”

“Nope, just the walls.”

Takes a look at my swatch. “That’s a nice color. I like the light green one.”

“Yeah, I’m probably gonna go with that one.” Keep walking.

“Well, I think that you should because you won’t have to worry about accessories.”

“Uh huh.” Officially trapped. And by a line that doesn’t even entirely make sense!

“I like to think that I’m a pretty sharp dresser, so I know what goes. (NOTE: He was wearing a collared shirt… underneath a sweatshirt.) See like with this one,” steps closer to reference the card, “you could use other greens… you could use black, even brown. You could use a lot of things and you won’t have to worry so much about the other things. Ya know?”

“Yes, I could… thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Awkward linger.

Walkawaywalkawaywalkaway. “Okay, thanks!”

Never fail. It’s not that they’re all necessarily creepy– it’s just kind of oddly predictable, and if you’re not in a light-hearted, social mood, it’s just a bad place to be. Never mind the frozen food section at your local grocer’s freezer– this is where the dudes are at. The 30+, denim-wearing, tool belt toting ones at least. I’m serious, ladies. Try it out. It may be more of the Jeff Foxworthy crowd than foxy crowd, but either way, you’ll feel like you bathed in pheromones. Home Depot is full of dudes just waiting to be your knight in shining armor. And hey, sometimes they’re even genuinely helpful. Bonus points for your self esteem boosting adventure!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did indeed end up going with the lighter green, but only because of a random dye issue… and ya know, because it can go with other greens and black and brown and stuff, too.

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1 Comment

Filed under Comedy, Culture

One response to “Instant Self Esteem Booster: Lone Voyage to Home Depot

  1. ursalakennedy

    My friend’s and I were compiling a list of places to go where men always out number the women. Home Depot was number two on the list right after sports bars. If you go to home depots in nicer neighborhoods the guys will be a tad bit more upscale and most likely own a home.

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