Tag Archives: pick up lines

My Myspace Man: Take 6

And maybe one day, I’ll make a whole blog out of these alone…

28-year-old Anthony, whose profile features a small child I’m assuming to be his son flippin’ the bird Xs 2, writes:

i know we dont know one another but i wanna say u are as beautiful as a goddess with that body of art names anthony and ur eyes and smile is of a angels.so what are u up to? and i bet u are a smart girl too very nice

I hadda read through this one a couple of times to follow. Are my pictures a work of art? Am I alone a work of art? This is the less cocky, trying to mean well attempt. It’s also why everyone should use punctuation. Sigh. Sorry buddy. Denied!

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My Myspace Man: Take 5

J Gutta writes:

you look very sexy i would like to get to know if it cool with you maybe we can exchange number so we can talk and hook up on day because you look cute and i look cute so what it do holla back sweetheart ps com my pics

I guess he heard that run-on sentences realllly turn me on. Ooh baby, deny!

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My Myspace Man: Take 4

Alright, this one is definitely a good one. “MrRecession” writes:

hello pretty lady.. I wish I was your pillow, so you could drewl all over me..

Ya like that one? SO I COULD DREWL ON HIM. Hmm, couple of things:

  1. MrRecession, eh? How’s that handle workin’ out for ya?
  2. LINE. And not even just A line, but a line that is meant for ME to fawn over YOU. Not entertaining enough to be cocky.
  3. Spell check. Drool, buddy. You want me to drool on you. Oof, this girl needs a man with good grammar, g.

I know it’s tough ladies, but yet again, I’m gonna have to go with deny– just let me know if you’re interested though. I can certainly see the appealĀ  here.

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My Myspace Man: Take 3

Name: Danny lee

Friend Request sent. No picture. Message as follows:

dang boo you is sexy

Gee, as much I love profiles with next to no information and friend requests with no intent at even being fake internet friends, Danny lee ain’t my boo tonight. Oh, and PS, while his status is single, his mood is “TAKEN”–apparently, his girlfriend made him his page. V. classy.

Deny!

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My Myspace Man: Take 2

“D” writes:

hey sweetie..i know someone as cute as you has a full phonebook , but do you think you can try to squeeze my number in?

going with an old classic, eh? hmm… ya can’t just jump right to the phone number because you used both “cute” & “sweetie.” in this case, d is for deny.

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My Myspace Man: Take 1

I love lame pick up attempts on Myspace. I can’t even say pick up lines, because in many cases, these suitors are lucky if they can formulate a complete sentence, never mind something one might consider a “line.”

I’ve decided that it’s just no fun keeping all of their talk about looking for a “good woman” to myself. From now on, I will post all random messages from men on Myspace hoping to “git to no me”

Today’s message comes from phillip, age 27, and reads:

WHATS UP GIRL IM A PHOTOGRA[HER TRYING TO GET KNOW F INTEREST IN A BOY WHOP LOVES COOKING PIZZAS AN PASTAS HIT ME UP

Wait wait, cooking pizzas AND pastas? Guess ol’ phillip here heard a rumor that women like a man who can cook. That sure is terrific, phillip, but ya know what’s funny about that? Well we seem to live THOUSANDS OF MILES away from each other. Guess I won’t be trying those delicious dishes any time soon. Sorry buddy, without hard evidence of these culinary abilities, I’m gonna have to click “deny”

NEXT!

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Instant Self Esteem Booster: Lone Voyage to Home Depot

I hate going to Home Depot alone. Not because I don’t know where anything is half the time, but because of the men there that know this and wait for me to look confused. Often, they’re not employees; these are rogue operators. They’re the men that loiter around, waiting with their trusty prop in hand… generally something simple but slightly edgy… maybe something they know you’ll easily recognize and still regard as manly like a staple gun, nail gun or other home improvement-related piece of weaponry. They hang around reading product labels, just waiting for the right time to strike.

Ready and waiting

Having encountered this before, I had since decided that this is one store in which a cellphone is most appreciated. Not only can you call and ask a friend for an opinion (today I asked my dad about interior paint), but it’s a good safety zone. I had multiple things to purchase and thought I was ready for the storm. Cellphone in hand, digits dialed. Voicemail. Surely there are more people to dial… but I’ve unknowingly already entered the Depot suitor’s sights.

It begins innocently enough, “Painting?”

“That I am.”

“What are you painting?”

“Just one room.” Not gonna start a convo about my bedroom, mind you. Walking walking walking.

“Have you painted before?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, I just started painting about 2 years ago. Ya gonna paint the ceiling, too?”

“Nope, just the walls.”

Takes a look at my swatch. “That’s a nice color. I like the light green one.”

“Yeah, I’m probably gonna go with that one.” Keep walking.

“Well, I think that you should because you won’t have to worry about accessories.”

“Uh huh.” Officially trapped. And by a line that doesn’t even entirely make sense!

“I like to think that I’m a pretty sharp dresser, so I know what goes. (NOTE: He was wearing a collared shirt… underneath a sweatshirt.) See like with this one,” steps closer to reference the card, “you could use other greens… you could use black, even brown. You could use a lot of things and you won’t have to worry so much about the other things. Ya know?”

“Yes, I could… thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Awkward linger.

Walkawaywalkawaywalkaway. “Okay, thanks!”

Never fail. It’s not that they’re all necessarily creepy– it’s just kind of oddly predictable, and if you’re not in a light-hearted, social mood, it’s just a bad place to be. Never mind the frozen food section at your local grocer’s freezer– this is where the dudes are at. The 30+, denim-wearing, tool belt toting ones at least. I’m serious, ladies. Try it out. It may be more of the Jeff Foxworthy crowd than foxy crowd, but either way, you’ll feel like you bathed in pheromones. Home Depot is full of dudes just waiting to be your knight in shining armor. And hey, sometimes they’re even genuinely helpful. Bonus points for your self esteem boosting adventure!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I did indeed end up going with the lighter green, but only because of a random dye issue… and ya know, because it can go with other greens and black and brown and stuff, too.

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